"I am a Mystic.

I think it would be more accurate to say I am on a path to becoming a mystic. I don’t know if I’ll ever arrive at completion. Not in this lifetime. But my interest in spiritual things started early in my life. When I was in fourth grade, I wanted to become a minister. I was a Presbyterian in my upbringing, and at that time women were ordained by the PC(USA) (Presbyterian Church of the USA). My reasons for wanting to be a minister were many, but I think primarily I thought that would bring me close to God.

My longing for this closeness took me on a circuitous journey. Around the time I was eleven, I became what is known as a “born-again” Christian. Unfortunately, the main result was to confirm what I had already learned in my home of origin. I was so sinful (bad) that the very son of God had to die. Although this is supposed to be a comfort to the sinner, I was not comforted. My inability to feel love from my parents transferred to my relationship with God.

I went to college in Rochester, NY where I joined the born-again Christian group, InterVarsity Fellowship. I arrived deeply depressed, and spent most of my college years depressed. After college, I joined a church that had a cult-like contingent. Desperately longing for approval, I joined this inner circle.

The lingua franca in this cult was the sin-hunt. We met in groups to uncover our sin. I started living with people from the church as assigned by the pastor. The purpose was for me to become like Jesus. The means for this was confession of sin. I was already convinced of my wickedness. This environment sent me deeper into depression. In addition, I became physically ill with asthma.

One night, I wasn’t able to breathe, so I moved out of the home in which I was living. Although I thought my leaving was a further sign of failure, in reality it was a step toward freedom and new ways of thinking about God.

I’ve spent decades searching for a god in whom I could have faith. This lead me through liberal Christianity to becoming a Unitarian Universalist. They supported a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning,” so I could “work on my own salvation” but without the “fear and trembling” as Paul enjoined (Phil 2:12). I rarely talk about salvation these days. When I do, I’m thinking in terms of the healing of soul that we all need. I also prefer the word wisdom to truth. Truth is not static, and sometimes even devolves into falsehood, yet it is so often treated as a absolute. Wisdom is truth tried by experience, and thus dynamic. As our understanding grows, so does our wisdom.

So, why do I call myself a mystic?

I am a mystic because I walk a mystical path.

My deepest longings are for things of the spirit.

I long for union with Holy Mystery.

The divine spark within my soul is my lodestar.

The call of my life is to let that light shine for the benefit of any who come to me.

Does this make me different from others?

In one sense, no.

Holy Mystery is born within each of us.

Each light is called forth to respond in love.

But not all of us stand as light houses for others, shining our light to aid them in their journey.

I choose to do this."

Catherine Coates